Transformation: such a simple word, Yet it has of the most complex meanings I know.
My current situation in life has had me thinking of this word, more than I ever thought.
I thought I was set for life. I had a great husband, who supported me not only financially but emotionally. Amazing kids, who ( I might be a little bias) are the best in the world, homeschooling them has been one of the biggest joys in my life, their laughs and smiles, and watching their inquisitive minds growing each day. I also have a small (really small, maybe 12 hours a week) side job with fantastic bosses to keep me sane. A roof over my head and food on the table. A vehicle to get from point A to point B (and a handy hubby who could fix it if needed) Supportive parents who have always shown me love, whether or not I deserved it at the time.
Now my husband no longer lives with me. He gives me a set amount of money each month to pay bills, but anything else I want is up to me. Fair enough. Last month, however, I didn’t get my set amount of money. I received a letter in the mail that my electricity was going to be turned off. I called him, and he said he didn’t have any money to give me because he had his own bills to pay. This was incredibly frustrating. The money I earn from my side job is what has been putting gas in my car and food on the table. I was able to call around and find a local program that could help cover my bill. They sent out a check, but it didn’t get to the office on time, and sure enough, my electricity got turned off, and now I had to pay and extra $40 to reconnect.
I sat on my bed and I cried. And cried more. I felt like an awful parent. We had no power and all the other bills were piling up too, it had been almost a week since I got groceries and it was looking pretty bare. I didn’t have enough money to do it all by myself. I completely broke down.
I felt hopeless. Useless. Embarrassed. Guilty. Angry. Frustrated. How could I let this happen? How could HE let this happen? How did I get to this point?
This is where my personal transformation begins.
What do I need to do to NEVER feel like this again? To be able to be a functioning adult in society. I’ve always let my anxiety take control, and I’ve used it as a crutch. My husband has always been there to take care of things, and before him, it was my parents. I’m 29 years old, and this is my first time ever living by alone, but with 2 kids and a dog.
It’s time for me to put on my big girl panties and buckle up.
I’m off to a great start. I applied for my first “real job” in ……15 years? (pathetic, I know) And guess what? I got it! I started last weekend and I love it. I only work 3 days a week (1 day I have a sitter and the other 2 days my husband has the kids, so I can still homeschool) It is nothing big and fancy, I’m just a sales associate at a retail store. But do you know what? I actually got a real job! I have been able to get my anxiety under control (for the most part) I’m interacting with new people (which is HUGE for me) I’m earning my own money to pay my own bills.
I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous and asinine to some people. I’m just now accomplishing things I should have done 10 years ago. But for ME this is really big. And for the first time in a really, really, really long time. I am proud of myself, for something I did all by myself.
It might be a small step. But it is a step in the right direction. I promise myself and my kids, I will do whatever I have to do, to make sure that we are going to be ok, with or without my husband.
This is my time. My time to become the woman I am meant to be. My time to do what I need to do. To be who I want to be, not who I feel like I need to be. I don’t know what is going to happen in the long run with my husband. I don’t know if we will end up back together, or if this is the beginning of the end. But I do know, that no matter what happens, I will be the best mom I can be.
This is my time to transform into a better version of myself. And for the first time in a long time, I am proud to be me.