Family · Life

Hold on a little tighter.

I feel like it has been so long since I have written. Thank you for being patient with me while I navigate through this emotional mess that is my life!

It has been 1 month and 23 days since my husband moved out. I feel like so much is different, yet so much is still the exact same. When he first left, the main thing he kept saying over and over was “Everything is going to be the exact same, I’m just living in a different house.” It’s a load of crap. While some things may be different, I feel like they are only different because of location.

He moved about 20 minutes away, so it’s nothing too crazy. We still talk on the phone maybe 2-4 times a day, and usually one day a week either I stay at his house or he stays at mine. We are trying to keep a bit of consistency for our kids. (or so I’m justifying it to myself)

12 days ago was our 7th wedding anniversary. I was dreading it. What would I say? What would I do? Do I even bring it up? I didn’t. I didn’t’ want to put him in an uncomfortable situation. I didn’t want to feel like he was being pressured into “celebrating” a day. (Honestly, What exactly is there to celebrate anyways?) So I didn’t mention it. He hadn’t mentioned anything prior to the day either. We saw each other that morning when he came to pick up the kids and then again that afternoon when he dropped the kids off at play practice and again when he picked them up. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t acknowledge the day. At all. It hurt. So bad. He called later that evening and I brought it up to him. I said “I don’t know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it” 5 seconds later, I’m a bawling mess on the phone and he said this was exactly why he didn’t bring it up. He knew knows I’m a crier, and he didn’t’ want me to get all emotional. No shit I’m emotional….we aren’t celebrating our anniversary. We eventually went on to say, that we need to work on our communication (no shit, right?)

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Fast forward to this past Monday. I stayed at his house and we had a great night. The kids played around and we just hung out and watched a movie. Then around 3 in the morning I work up and his phone was vibrating next to me. So I grabbed it and looked at it. (yeah yeah yeah) I took it upon myself to snoop around, and guess what? It turns out, he has 3 dating apps on his phone and he has been texting with some girl. They have been talking about their days, sending pictures back and forth, he has even sent her pictures of him doing stuff with our kids And when he went to end the conversation for the day he said “good night love”. He has nothing but excuses. He claims she is a friend of a friend and they met by commenting on things on face book. He said the dating apps are to make just friends. AND years ago I told him I didn’t want him to talk to a specific friend of his, because their conversations had gone too far, and it turns out he is still talking to her too.

I can’t even begin to explain my pure disappointment (and anger) Why am I working so hard to make things work? Why am I putting in so much effort, and he out there looking for new opportunities…..more choices? The Fuck? And here I am, believing the bullshit once again. That he doesn’t mean any harm. That it is innocent. Am I that desperate for him to love me, that I will literally put up with anything? Why do I let him continuously disrespect me? Why do I feel like I can’t stand up for myself?

hold-on

At the same point, I’m constantly blaming myself. Maybe if I tried harder. Maybe if I was prettier. Or thinner. Maybe there is something I can do, to make my husband love me.

I know this isn’t my fault. I have given this man my everything. I know I deserve to be treated better, to be respected. I know I deserve to be in a loving marriage. So why do I keep holding on?

love-yourself

 

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3 thoughts on “Hold on a little tighter.

  1. I have been anxiously awaiting an update from you as I have identified with various struggles you are in the midst of as my own marriage continues to be very fragile.
    I was saddened to read your update but wanted to offer you this…..
    As women we tend to take on a great deal of responsibility when it comes to the relationships we are in, regardless of whether or not that responsibility is truly ours. Your husband has made choices that (and forgive me if I in some way have this wrong) seem to be for his own self-indulgence. For whatever reason he feels compelled to explore areas that for some reason he feels he is missing out on (living alone, social connections, etc). One cannot work on a marriage whole-heartedly if they are allowing themselves to explore and be distracted by these other options. Maybe it’s a phase or a mid-life crisis but it can’t come at the expense of you and your children. As heartbreaking as it is to have become privy to his various correspondences you need to remember some things. You are an intelligent, STRONG, beautiful woman, who has given of herself in every way possible for the sake of her marriage, her children and her family. Yet when giving gets to the point that the return is lacking, when does it become time to pull back and focus on your own well-being?

    I am in no position to talk, which very well may put me in the perfect position to understand your struggle and I guess in a way offer up some words of support. My own marriage is a daily struggle for it’s own reasons and I have good friend who is also in a similar position. We have given everything and yet the return is so far from fulfilling. We constantly ask ourselves what will be our breaking point and yet both of us know that it is so much more complex than just being able to answer that question. The bottom line is that you can’t make someone want to be where they don’t want to be. That is a bitter pill to swallow considering we love these men with all our hearts.

    I guess the best thing I can offer is to focus on you and your children. Don’t get bogged down in trying to be someone you are not because you hope it will bring him back. Find joy in what you have with your kids and begin to explore the person you are beneath all of this. Sometimes in allowing ourselves to explore our passions we find personal growth in unexpected places. You will not be broken by all of this but rather will tap into the strength that has always been there and you will triumph in whatever way you are meant to triumph. Don’t be afraid to put some distance into your marriage for the sake of clarity and a different perception. This is not to say give up, but rather sometimes space can allow you to collect yourself and then move forward. You might be surprised at how you feel or how he reacts if all of a sudden it’s not so easy for him.

    Please keep me posted. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong!

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  2. Thank you so much! I almost feel silly with what a relief it is to get things off my chest for the world to anonymously read! I think I’m just getting to the point that i can understand and am realizing, how healthy it is for me, in my current situation to be selfish. You are completely correct, my husband has been selfish, and self gratifying whatever emptiness he has inside himself. I’ve tried to talk to him and get a better understanding of where these needs/wants are coming from. And its come up empty handed.I have done my best, to be the best wife i can be, and although i am struggling with it, i do know that quite frankly, that might not be “good enough” for what he wants, I honestly don’t think he knows what he wants. But that doesn’t speak negatively in regards to me. I’ve done my best and thats all i’m willing to give. I refuse to be his doormat anymore.
    Thank you for your kind and encouraging words, I can’t express how much your support means to me ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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