I feel like it has been so long since I have written. Thank you for being patient with me while I navigate through this emotional mess that is my life!
It has been 1 month and 23 days since my husband moved out. I feel like so much is different, yet so much is still the exact same. When he first left, the main thing he kept saying over and over was “Everything is going to be the exact same, I’m just living in a different house.” It’s a load of crap. While some things may be different, I feel like they are only different because of location.
He moved about 20 minutes away, so it’s nothing too crazy. We still talk on the phone maybe 2-4 times a day, and usually one day a week either I stay at his house or he stays at mine. We are trying to keep a bit of consistency for our kids. (or so I’m justifying it to myself)
12 days ago was our 7th wedding anniversary. I was dreading it. What would I say? What would I do? Do I even bring it up? I didn’t. I didn’t’ want to put him in an uncomfortable situation. I didn’t want to feel like he was being pressured into “celebrating” a day. (Honestly, What exactly is there to celebrate anyways?) So I didn’t mention it. He hadn’t mentioned anything prior to the day either. We saw each other that morning when he came to pick up the kids and then again that afternoon when he dropped the kids off at play practice and again when he picked them up. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t acknowledge the day. At all. It hurt. So bad. He called later that evening and I brought it up to him. I said “I don’t know what I was expecting, but this wasn’t it” 5 seconds later, I’m a bawling mess on the phone and he said this was exactly why he didn’t bring it up. He knew knows I’m a crier, and he didn’t’ want me to get all emotional. No shit I’m emotional….we aren’t celebrating our anniversary. We eventually went on to say, that we need to work on our communication (no shit, right?)
Fast forward to this past Monday. I stayed at his house and we had a great night. The kids played around and we just hung out and watched a movie. Then around 3 in the morning I work up and his phone was vibrating next to me. So I grabbed it and looked at it. (yeah yeah yeah) I took it upon myself to snoop around, and guess what? It turns out, he has 3 dating apps on his phone and he has been texting with some girl. They have been talking about their days, sending pictures back and forth, he has even sent her pictures of him doing stuff with our kids And when he went to end the conversation for the day he said “good night love”. He has nothing but excuses. He claims she is a friend of a friend and they met by commenting on things on face book. He said the dating apps are to make just friends. AND years ago I told him I didn’t want him to talk to a specific friend of his, because their conversations had gone too far, and it turns out he is still talking to her too.
I can’t even begin to explain my pure disappointment (and anger) Why am I working so hard to make things work? Why am I putting in so much effort, and he out there looking for new opportunities…..more choices? The Fuck? And here I am, believing the bullshit once again. That he doesn’t mean any harm. That it is innocent. Am I that desperate for him to love me, that I will literally put up with anything? Why do I let him continuously disrespect me? Why do I feel like I can’t stand up for myself?
At the same point, I’m constantly blaming myself. Maybe if I tried harder. Maybe if I was prettier. Or thinner. Maybe there is something I can do, to make my husband love me.
I know this isn’t my fault. I have given this man my everything. I know I deserve to be treated better, to be respected. I know I deserve to be in a loving marriage. So why do I keep holding on?