Life · Uncategorized

The Beginning.

I walked into the office room and asked my husband if we could talk for a bit. I took a seat and embarked on one of the most emotional conversations of my entire life.

I broke down to him. I told him I felt like we had drifted apart. I felt like we were constantly fighting and butting heads. I feel more like a maid than a wife. More like “just a mom” than my own individual. I feel like he lives his own life and that the kids and I are off on the side doing our own thing until it’s convenient for him to have time for us (I know this shit gets deep) Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know him anymore.

His response? I agree. We are apart. We don’t do ANYTHING together anymore (seriously the last thing we did just him and I was the second week in June, we went on a half hour motorcycle ride while the kids were at VBS) He said the kids are my priority and I’ve let everything else go. He feels like he doesn’t even know me anymore. How I go day to day just existing but that I don’t seem to have a real purpose. I’ve lost all my “hopes and dreams” for myself, I used to have goals, and now I don’t.

It really stings when your husband tells you “you just exist.”

I told him I felt like everything was more important to him than we were. His job, his friends. He could drop anything at any time if he had to run up to work, and he always has time to go hang out with his friends (it was to the point it was almost a nightly thing) The kids and I just sat at home. Maybe went to the park or swimming. Even as a family, we didn’t do anything together. Most days we don’t even eat dinner together, if we did, he would come out and be on his phone half the time, or just sit there silently and eat, then stand up, put his plate in the sink and not say a single word.

While I paraphrased the conversation, I hope you get the point of it all. Neither of us is happy, and we haven’t been for a long time coming. At the end of the conversation we both agreed, what we are doing isn’t working right now, and something needs to change. At the time we didn’t know what that was. I was a hot mess with my ugly, puffy, cry face. I told him how much I appreciated him being open and honest with me, I just needed time to process everything we had just talked about.

3 days went by, it was awkward and uncomfortable. We had little conversations here and there, but it was kinda weird, at the same time, this was the first time in probably close to a year, that we were able to have a discussion, without fighting or yelling at each other, or one of us (usually me) just walking away.

Finally, the day came. I told him I couldn’t keep doing this. What we were doing wasn’t working. I needed to know how he felt and what he wanted to do. He got called into work and when he came back he said he was ready to talk.

He said he didn’t know how to word things so that they don’t hurt my feelings. I told him I just wanted him to be honest with me, I just want the truth, so that we can figure this out. He looked at me and said, “I know that I love you because you are the mother of our amazing children, but I don’t know that I’m IN love with you anymore.”

The saddest part of the whole thing? I wasn’t surprised that he felt that way, but I was surprised that he actually said it out loud. I guess I was almost expecting it. We had both just been so obviously unhappy for such a long time, yet we never took the time to address the situation. We just kept going through the motions. Pretending nothing was wrong yet nonchalantly giving each other the stink-eye from across the room.

After all the talks and tears, We have decided to separate. Not a legal separation. Not a divorce. For now, we are just separating. He is going to go live someplace else. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know if this is even going to help anything. But I’m trying my best to keep my head up. To stay positive. To have hope. Faith.

This man has been my life for the past 10 years. Every morning, every day, every night. My rock. My confidant. My best friend. I’m scared of a life without him. I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared this is the beginning of the end. But I’m more scared, that if we don’t try to make this change, that nothing will ever change. And I can’t live the rest of my life like this. I deserve to be happy. He deserves to be happy. And our kids deserve the best lives we can give them, together or apart.

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8 thoughts on “The Beginning.

  1. Thank you for being brave enough to share such a powerfully raw point of your life. What makes this so powerful for me is that it is so identifiable. Quite honestly, I felt like I was reading about my own relationship with my husband. Drifting apart, not communicating, feeling the disconnect, and feeling broken as a family…. All of this is my life right now….. Many days I feel as if we are just going through the motions and I often wonder if we can overcome the distance that seems to have come between us. I don’t know what the future holds but I pray that somehow we can work our way back to that time when things were good and we were happy.

    I wish you strength on your journey…..

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    1. Thank you so much. I am so incredibly sad that you are in a similar situation, I know these feelings all to well. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. This is an unexpected journey, and I’m definatly not prepared, but I’m trying my best.

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  2. Please read the book the 5 love languages–start there. Find a way to love you during this time. There is so much hope in your story. You deserve happiness, I believe you could fall in love with each other again. Best to you. HUGS, be strong.💟

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    1. Thank you so much! I have heard great things about this book and I will defiantly try to find it! During this entire situation, I am (planning) on spending as much time as I can on myself. Not just to find out who I am, but to love who I am ❤

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      1. It took me a while to give in to love myself. I was obsessed and still am a bit about focusing on the other woman and saving my marriage. Just recently I am focused on me and my happiness, which appears to be making my husband puzzled and confused about his current choice ( divorce and the OW) This situation is painful and awful. I can be angry all I want but understanding that I had an equal part in the distance between us helped me look inside. Best to you, I truly believe in you and your relationship. HUGS, m

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  3. This makes my heart hurt. It’s so beautifully written and so close to my own experience – it all came flooding back in a moment. That’s why I had to take some time to process before commenting. Hugs and prayers for peace and wisdom during this time.

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