I walked into the office room and asked my husband if we could talk for a bit. I took a seat and embarked on one of the most emotional conversations of my entire life.
I broke down to him. I told him I felt like we had drifted apart. I felt like we were constantly fighting and butting heads. I feel more like a maid than a wife. More like “just a mom” than my own individual. I feel like he lives his own life and that the kids and I are off on the side doing our own thing until it’s convenient for him to have time for us (I know this shit gets deep) Sometimes I feel like I don’t even know him anymore.
His response? I agree. We are apart. We don’t do ANYTHING together anymore (seriously the last thing we did just him and I was the second week in June, we went on a half hour motorcycle ride while the kids were at VBS) He said the kids are my priority and I’ve let everything else go. He feels like he doesn’t even know me anymore. How I go day to day just existing but that I don’t seem to have a real purpose. I’ve lost all my “hopes and dreams” for myself, I used to have goals, and now I don’t.
It really stings when your husband tells you “you just exist.”
I told him I felt like everything was more important to him than we were. His job, his friends. He could drop anything at any time if he had to run up to work, and he always has time to go hang out with his friends (it was to the point it was almost a nightly thing) The kids and I just sat at home. Maybe went to the park or swimming. Even as a family, we didn’t do anything together. Most days we don’t even eat dinner together, if we did, he would come out and be on his phone half the time, or just sit there silently and eat, then stand up, put his plate in the sink and not say a single word.
While I paraphrased the conversation, I hope you get the point of it all. Neither of us is happy, and we haven’t been for a long time coming. At the end of the conversation we both agreed, what we are doing isn’t working right now, and something needs to change. At the time we didn’t know what that was. I was a hot mess with my ugly, puffy, cry face. I told him how much I appreciated him being open and honest with me, I just needed time to process everything we had just talked about.
3 days went by, it was awkward and uncomfortable. We had little conversations here and there, but it was kinda weird, at the same time, this was the first time in probably close to a year, that we were able to have a discussion, without fighting or yelling at each other, or one of us (usually me) just walking away.
Finally, the day came. I told him I couldn’t keep doing this. What we were doing wasn’t working. I needed to know how he felt and what he wanted to do. He got called into work and when he came back he said he was ready to talk.
He said he didn’t know how to word things so that they don’t hurt my feelings. I told him I just wanted him to be honest with me, I just want the truth, so that we can figure this out. He looked at me and said, “I know that I love you because you are the mother of our amazing children, but I don’t know that I’m IN love with you anymore.”
The saddest part of the whole thing? I wasn’t surprised that he felt that way, but I was surprised that he actually said it out loud. I guess I was almost expecting it. We had both just been so obviously unhappy for such a long time, yet we never took the time to address the situation. We just kept going through the motions. Pretending nothing was wrong yet nonchalantly giving each other the stink-eye from across the room.
After all the talks and tears, We have decided to separate. Not a legal separation. Not a divorce. For now, we are just separating. He is going to go live someplace else. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know if this is even going to help anything. But I’m trying my best to keep my head up. To stay positive. To have hope. Faith.
This man has been my life for the past 10 years. Every morning, every day, every night. My rock. My confidant. My best friend. I’m scared of a life without him. I’m scared to be alone. I’m scared this is the beginning of the end. But I’m more scared, that if we don’t try to make this change, that nothing will ever change. And I can’t live the rest of my life like this. I deserve to be happy. He deserves to be happy. And our kids deserve the best lives we can give them, together or apart.